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Total communication breakdown - 2/27/2010 5:22:23 PM
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Ruth181
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What do you do if there is a total communication breakdown? My husband and I cannot talk about anything without him getting nasty and me closing down. When he starts with an attitude, I stop talking and stop listening.
The majority of our conversations revolve around what to have for dinner and what groceries we need. We are able to get through those without too many arguements, unless he thinks we are eating the food too fast, then there is an arguement.
There are so many important things that we need to talk about, but every time I try to confide in him - he disappoints me. Here is a recent example. My Mom is 84 and had to go to a neighboring State for surgery. She had a malignant melanoma on her eye four years ago and had surgery and I went with my sister to take her. My sister has gone each year since that time for my Mom's check-ups. I have taken her to many appointments locally during that time. So the cancer has returned, this time a tumor on her eyelid - about the size of a marble. I went with my sister for the exam and two weeks later for the surgery. My husband protested to this and said I didn't need to go because my sister could handle it. I know she could handle it, but it was easier for everyone with us both there with my mom. More support, more help, more company. When my Mom was about to go in for her surgery, she called me over the the stretcher and gave me a kiss. I held my breath until they wheeled her away and then I cried! I knew I made the right decision in being there. So that was a whole non-understanding communication thing. I was hurt and angry that he could not understand why I needed to be there and even after I explained it to him, he still didn't get it.
Then I was telling him that I had asked my boss not to schedule me for any jobs (I am a pet sitter) the Saturday morning after I got back with my Mom because I knew I would be exhausted. I do not normally work on the the weekends, or mornings, but this was a busy week because kids were off from schools and many clients were out of town - so my boss ended up scheduling me for five morning jobs starting at 6 am the morning after I got back. Instead of him trying to be understanding of the situation, trying to show that he was on my side and showed some sympathy if you will for why I didn't want to do the morning jobs, he said "I guess you'll have to get your butt out of bed and go do the jobs then".....well thanks a lot. I told him to forget that I even said anything to him. I told him I would go and talk to my friends on the computer (I belong to several websites with forums and have some friends on there) and I left the room. My daughter, age 21, was in the room while we were talking and I could hear her arguing with him about it because she was trying to make him understand what I had been trying to tell him, but she couldn't get through either. I am sure he went on to tell her that he didn't want me to go in the first place, blah, blah, blah.
I do not even try to talk to him anymore because I feel hopeless. I know what his responses will be before I even start talking, so what is the point? He will not work on any part of our marriage. He thinks if we have sex, that everything is okie dokie. Acts like everything is fine and everything, but I am sad. I have sex with him because I have needs too and I know he does and don't want to deny him. We don't get together that much, and lately I have been trying to go to sleep as soon as we get in bed. He wants hugs during the day and I avoid him, and if we do hug it is pretty much one sided. He must know that it is not the same as when things were good between us.
My question, finally!, how can we get back on track? Is there a book you can recommend for us to read, a program to enroll in or something? I'm not sure if he would be willing anyway as he probably doesn't see anything wrong with our relationship. We don't really have a relationship. We have no goals together, no plans for the future. He is not in my corner on anything I talk to him about and does not support any of my ideas. I may as well not even be married to him.
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 2/27/2010 5:42:33 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 4013
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quote:
We are able to get through those without too many arguements, unless he thinks we are eating the food too fast, then there is an arguement.
Why does it need to be an argument? Can you not simply and gently say "Oh yes?" or "Maybe you're right" in response, with a smile, and keep on eating?
quote:
I was hurt and angry that he could not understand why I needed to be there and even after I explained it to him, he still didn't get it.
Why does he have to "get it"? He didn't keep you home. He didn't take your car keys, or threaten to leave if you went. He just had different thoughts about it all than you did, and expressed them, and then you were free to do your own thing. Which you did. Your issue with the job was a consequence of your choice to go. I am pretty sure that after years of marriage you know that he is not a super sensitive person. If you buy a snake from the pet store, you cannot be angry at it for not being a warm, fuzzy, adorable lap-puppy. When we pick a spouse, he is who he is (and it works for women too). Barring mental issues or sociopathy, most of us know exactly what we're getting when we marry, and choose to tolerate it because "love covers many things". Then we get tired of tolerating and start wishing our spouse was someone different from the person we made the choice to marry.
Books? I'd say Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands (Dr. Laura Schlessinger). Or Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage (same author) if you want something more gender neutral. Either one, you will probably throw against the wall and consider burning on the first reading.  But if you can get past that and reach an understanding that the only person you can change is you, and that changing yourself actually carries with it a great deal of power, I think you will find them helpful. Love and Respect (Eggerich) might also be very helpful, and it is from a Christian perspective. I recently reviewed a book called Love and War (Eldredge) that went very deeply into dealing with disappointment in marriage and healing from how we've hurt each other.
But nothing really will be helpful if you're always looking over to the other side to see if your husband is doing what you want him to do, or responding the way you want him to. Make it your goal to do what God has called you to do. To be loving, kind, patient, gentle, full of hope, full of compassion...you're probably familiar with that list. It's repeated many times over in the epistles.  If there is sin that must be confronted, do it firmly but in love. Do these things not in an expectation of things going your way, but out of a heart that desires to please God. If they effect change in your marriage, wonderful. If your husband is incorrigeable, then having done these things you can stand tall knowing that you made every effort and chose to obey God, which is a very good place to be when your world is crumbling around you.
_____________________________
 Moo
"Yup, I'm in agreement with Maggie here on all of this" Manda, April 2010
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 2/27/2010 5:57:17 PM
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Ruth181
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quote:
Why does he have to "get it"? He didn't keep you home. He didn't take your car keys, or threaten to leave if you went. He just had different thoughts about it all than you did, and expressed them, and then you were free to do your own thing. Which you did. Your issue with the job was a consequence of your choice to go. I am pretty sure that after years of marriage you know that he is not a super sensitive person. If you buy a snake from the pet store, you cannot be angry at it for not being a warm, fuzzy, adorable lap-puppy. When we pick a spouse, he is who he is (and it works for women too). Barring mental issues or sociopathy, most of us know exactly what we're getting when we marry, and choose to tolerate it because "love covers many things". Then we get tired of tolerating and start wishing our spouse was someone different from the person we made the choice to marry.
No, he didn't keep my home, but I went with that hanging over my head that he did not want me to go. That he did not support me in my decision to go and be there for my mother. I resented that.
And no, I did not marry or choose him knowing he was like this. He has changed over the years and it has been for the worse. Any time we try to do something to make our lives better together, to improve our relationship, he is against it. His attitude is "so what" to everything I bring up with him, so that is why I do not bother anymore. And on rare occasions when I do try to tell him how I am feeling, even if he cannot change the situation (like the working thing), he says something that shows he is not on my side, not in my corner, not my partner.
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 2/27/2010 8:24:31 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 4013
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quote:
No, he didn't keep my home, but I went with that hanging over my head that he did not want me to go. That he did not support me in my decision to go and be there for my mother. I resented that.
Well, yes that is going to happen in marriage because you are two unique individuals with two unique viewpoints. What you call "lack of support", he might call something else.
If it is the right thing to do, then you do it and you let whatever he says roll off your back. Resenting and feeling bad is completely your choice, just as it was his choice to disagree with you going.
I cannot tell you how freeing it was to realize that I did not have to get emotionally invested in every little argument we had, and that my value, or the value of what I was doing, was not based on dh's opinion of it. Dh would never want to convey that I or something I was doing was worth little or nothing, he never meant it that way, but that is how I took it whenever he and I disagreed. This change was great for me, but it also changed the whole dynamic of our marriage, stopped fights before they began, and improved things in a general way too. Things also changed when I chose to consider that he might not actually be wrong all the time, and chose to "give way" graciously and out of love rather than stand my ground and insist on being right every single time we had a difference of opinion. A disagreement does not always have to end with one person being 100% right and the other floundering in the mud feeling like a zero. If both people are fighting for the 100% Right position, that's where argument starts. Many times, if one is willing to agree to disagree, the other has no reason or even ability to fight about it. If you say "I know we disagree. That's OK. I love ya anyway" with a kiss and a hug, that tends to knock the fight out of a person.  Burning coals, and all that.
I don't know either of you, so I cannot say anything concrete. But what I do know is that often when there's a marriage with problems, it is not Bad Guy vs. Innocent Victim. Very often it is two people who are just having trouble living peacefully with each other, or two people engaged in a Push-me-Pull-you match. It would be nice if both realized the problem at exactly the same time and mutually and completely equally worked to fix it. But because there are two unique individuals, that just doesn't happen often. We could analyze your husband's behavior for 20 pages here but that would not help you. What any Christian advice will eventually boil down to is this: If there's sin, confront it, lovingly. Take Biblical steps to deal with it if it continues. If there's a disagreement or a difference of opinion, feeling, or desire, extend grace to your spouse. Choose to love. Choose not to get sucked into petty arguments. Choose not to presume evil motives. Choose to find your joy in Christ first before you start looking for it from others.
Would you say he's mentally ill (depression), or a sociopath? Those were the two things I mentioned as exceptions to the you get what you picked generality. Do you know what prompted the change in his behavior? If he's truly evil and tricked you into marrying him and then became a monster, then it may be you need to leave. If he's depressed or has some other mental illness, all the more reason not to take what he says as a personal attack but to view these things for what they are--the words of a man who is hurting and broken on the inside.
_____________________________
Moo
"Yup, I'm in agreement with Maggie here on all of this" Manda, April 2010
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 2/28/2010 9:46:01 AM
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bolt.
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There is no reason for you and your husband to have the same opinion about daily things, nor is it necessary that he understand your motivation for doing the things you do... but I can see that you would appreciate some greater level of communication.
It's important not to argue about small stuff. Sometimes go his way, sometimes disagree (without changing his mind). I good phrase is, "I hear that that's what you think, it's just not what I think. It's fine."
In more serious conversations, it's important that you ask for what you want. If his question is 'so what?' answer it, so that he knows what you are looking for in a conversation.
Ask him ahead of time, saying, "Hon, I could use some sympathy. Could I tell you some stuff, and then you say something like, 'That sounds frustrating, Sweetie.' I don't actually need anything other than that, I'm only telling you because I want to be able to talk." He says, "Fine," then you talk, and he says, "So what." and you say, "I already told you so what -- I want you say 'that sounds frustrating.'" and he says, "That sounds frustrating." and you say, "Thank you. I know you don't get why that helps, but it does. It's kind of you to help me this way."
Other than that, hug him, and remember that there are a lot of things in your relationship other than this challenge.
_____________________________
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 2/28/2010 11:21:17 AM
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GregandJenny
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ruth181,
How are your finances? I know this seems odd but maybe he is worried about money (eating food to fast, not wanting you to turn down jobs or going away out of state to moms surgery).
G
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It does not have to be well with my circumstance to be well with my soul!
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 2/28/2010 12:15:02 PM
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hnt
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Goodness hon - I'm so sorry! It sounds like he is acting rather pig headed.
You are scared about your mother, and I would think that isn't something you need to write in bright red letters on the wall for people to understand. When you have a sick parent its easier for everyone when MORE than one sibling is helping. When you are talking about cancer returning, and major surgery it makes perfect sense WHY you would wish to be there. Its exhausting, and not wanting to work right afterward SHOULD make sense to people. His response was cruel and cold hearted. Sounds to me like he has a major heart issue in his life.
When people come in that time of life that they can't show empathy towards someone else's pain remember to read proverbs at times.
9:7 He who corrects a mocker invites insult.
He who reproves a wicked man invites abuse.
9:8 Don’t reprove a scoffer, lest he hate you.
Reprove a wise man, and he will love you.
9:9 Instruct a wise man, and he will be still wiser.
Teach a righteous man, and he will increase in learning.
To me this scripture basically says don't expect mocker to show you empathy (as it pertains your circumstance), and when you mention that lack of empathy upsets you to them? You invite insult. The bible speaks clearly to such an attitude, and sadly some people's way of living life.
He may not be capable of handing you the support you need due to his present nature. It should MAKE SENSE for people to realize that support and empathy is something you would need at this in your life. I would advise you to try to find it elsewhere. Do you have any girlfriends you can speak with?
Doesn't sound like he would interested in hearing how this hurting you, and he isn't capable at this point to receive this either. Its hurtful and we all know it shouldn't be. It doesn't change your reality does it though?
I wouldn't bother dealing with 'communication books' or 'serving him' concepts at this point - he isn't interested in partaking in any real improvement at this point. You can't improve something when another is working on just the opposite.
You need to have some support yourself on how to deal with a person that only lives inside their own world. I'm not saying to ignore him or anything along those lines of course - it would make it worse. I'm talking finding help on how to properly deal with someone that shows contempt towards you. Nasty word I know, but his actions towards you in a true time of need wasn't something I was going to sugar coat. The contempt towards life tends to be an attitude for him presently, and it can makes things very hard to deal with.
You can show him grace as the bible asks you to, but at the same time find some resources to help you in your areas of need. I would ask you to pray for him as well. He needs those prayers! He needs God in his life to guide him to let go of whatever it is that is gearing him down his present path. Pray for his healing, and for doors to be opened for you in your time of need.
Don't allow his attitude to stop you from getting some real life support and counsel. It will be hard to get your batteries charged in life if that is not present.
I will be praying for all of you!
_____________________________
h
Emotional abuse and Faith
Reaching for IT!!!!!!
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 2/28/2010 12:21:07 PM
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Ruth181
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We are in debt up to our eyeballs. It's not his fault, it's not my fault, it's OUR fault! We have five children. We have two cars that are paid for. Well, technically, one we still owe on because we incorporated the loan for that car with a home improvement loan - his idea. Our trouble is credit cards. We don't really live high on the hog or something. We don't go out to eat, sometimes we get Chinese takeout or a pizza. We don't go to the movies, plays, etc. I only buy clothes when my jeans wear out. He doesn't buy clothes either - seems to wear the same things over and over. We have done some improvements on the house and that is what some of the debt is for. I'm sure some of those credit cards still have diaper debts on them - our youngest are 11! They never get paid off because we only pay the minimum. I know we need to fix that and he knows we need to fix that.
He is cheap. Even if we had money, he would be cheap. He sort of takes all the fun out of spending money, even when it's for Christmas presents so I have taken to buying the gifts. I try to stay reasonable.
I could be on deaths door and he wouldn't want me to miss work. In fact there have been several times when I didn't feel well and he drove me to the evening jobs so I could do them.
quote:
ORIGINAL: GregandJenny
ruth181,
How are your finances? I know this seems odd but maybe he is worried about money (eating food to fast, not wanting you to turn down jobs or going away out of state to moms surgery).
G
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 2/28/2010 3:19:13 PM
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Ruth181
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Okay, I'm not sure we are going to make it. I'm thinking of separating. He is such a jerk lately!
Today my 11 year old son fell outside and got a gash on his eyelid, well above his eye and below his eyebrow. It was about 1/2 inch wide and open, so I thought he might need stitches. I said to Dh, I think he might need stitches - and his reply? "Oh great, there goes another $50"!. Mind you, our son is sitting there crying and bleeding and he's complaining about the $50. I know, nobody wants to spend $50 if they don't have to, but really this is our son! He kept going on and on about it and saying every time he turns around ds is hurting himself and needs to go to the ER. I think the last time anything happened to ds was about 5 years ago and I took him that time. I got so angry I told him I'd give him the $50 and he could shove it up his....well, use your imagination.
He has no feelings for anyone - why am I married to this man?????
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 2/28/2010 3:53:27 PM
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bolt.
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From: Canada
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He does seem like the money situation is really getting to him. How bad is it? Really?
I hope your son will be well.
What would have happened if you had chosen a different conversation?
Him: "Oh great, there goes another $50."
You: "Yep. That's what it costs, I think. Which car should I take?"
Him: "Something else about the $50."
You: "I did hear you the first time. Is there something else you need from me?"
Him: "Every time I turn around ds is hurting himself and needs to go to the ER"
You: "I'm sorry it seems that way to you. It doesn't seem that way to me. Shall I check the medical records now, or when I get back?"
He's clearly not a warm and fuzzy guy, but it's unkind and unfair to say he has no feelings for anyone. And it's completely out of line to call him a 'jerk'. You need to start think about your husband as a person with a problem, not a thing that is a problem for you. If you can not manage your perceptions and feelings trouble will follow you all of your days.
Managing your perceptions and feelings is a key skill for a life that works, rather than a life that is made miserable or destroyed by bad circumstances.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 2/28/2010 4:58:37 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 4013
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quote:
I got so angry I told him I'd give him the $50 and he could shove it up his....well, use your imagination.
He has no feelings for anyone -
He has feelings. They just aren't the same as yours. He's not you, he's not a mama-bear, he's not sensitive or particularly smart when it comes to relating to his family.
But when you react to him the way you did, that only perpetuates the problem. It doesn't help, doesn't change him, doesnt' make you feel better, and doesn't give a good example to your children. It feels like a relief momentarily but it is not actually useful in the long term.
I hope your son will be fine. Please understand that I am only participating in this thread because I have been where you are and thought some of the same thoughts you have. I'm not condemning you. But I believe God has something so much better for you than misery, and it is within your grasp. You do not need to change your husband or leave him to know peace and joy in your life and to make at least some changes in your family's circumstances and in your marriage.
bolt. is good at giving conversational scripts. Try that out. It is amazing what a calm, gentle, rational response can do to diffuse a tense moment.
_____________________________
Moo
"Yup, I'm in agreement with Maggie here on all of this" Manda, April 2010
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 2/28/2010 8:01:38 PM
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Ruth181
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quote:
I hope your son will be fine. Please understand that I am only participating in this thread because I have been where you are and thought some of the same thoughts you have. I'm not condemning you. But I believe God has something so much better for you than misery, and it is within your grasp. You do not need to change your husband or leave him to know peace and joy in your life and to make at least some changes in your family's circumstances and in your marriage.
My son got the laceration glued instead of stitched. The glue will dissolve on it's own over time and he will be fine. I just have to watch him for infection and he cannot participate in gym this week.
I am feeling quite hopeless at the moment. For dinner, our learning disabled son wanted to make calzones. Which meant that he and I made calzones. That was okay, I was willing to help him. My husband tries not to eat too many foods with a lot of calories/fat in them, so he took out a bunch of chicken. I cooked the chicken, made potatoes and gravy, peas, mac & cheese - all because he did not want calzones. Evidently he was not too happy with my mood when he came home. Granted I was not too pleasant towards him, but I was still frustrated and the fact that they did not just plop a bandaid on his face proved that he did need attention from a Dr. He started to tell me the care of the area and I told him I would read it from the discharge papers.
So we ate dinner. He did not come down, did not say he was not eating, etc. so I put out all the food I had prepared for him. After dinner, I asked him why he did not eat and he said "he wasn't hungry". Okay, why not just push me over the edge?  So now, it's fairly peaceful as there is no dialogue and there will be no dialogue from me. The only way I will say anything to him at all will be if I am screaming for help.
I fail to see how I can ever be truly happy with him. The only times I have been happy with him was when I pretended. When I looked the other way, when I didn't pay attention to his moods and his snapping at everybody and yelling all the time. Yes, we can stay married but it will be a farse.
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 2/28/2010 8:16:31 PM
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bolt.
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You don't have to be happy about him to be happy "with" him.
Ignoring his moodiness is a great plan, as a basic start.
I'm not sure why you asked him why he didn't eat. Was there a possible answer to that question that wouldn't have upset you? I can't imagine one, really. It would have been wiser for you to have said what you had to say, rather than using a make-believe question. What I mean is that you could have said. "I'm feeling disappointed and rejected because you chose to avoid the family dinner even after I prepared a separate meal to suit you."
Choosing kindness regardless of your own frustration level is something you seem to do for your children, so you do have that skill in your back pocket. You just don't seem to think your husband deserves that effort. Is it that since he is responsible for the frustration, so you think he sort of deserves to see hear and feel the consequences of that... so you choose to be unpleasant to him?
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 2/28/2010 9:02:56 PM
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3cappuccinosmom
Posts: 4013
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I know you will not like to hear this, but from your posts, it seems to me that you are playing a role in the "communication breakdown" and the problems in your marriage.
You are not responsible for your husbands feelings, actions, or sins. But you could choose different responses to him. You do not have to choose between silence, screaming, or snarkiness. Bolt. has given you some wonderful alternatives. God has given us some pretty specific instruction, as well. It doesn't matter what anyone else does or says--we as Christians are called to be peaceable, gentle, loving, kind, gracious, and so on. Sin is sin and must be confronted, but that too can and should be done lovingly, not with a motive of anger or punishment but out of love and a desire to see restoration rather than to "be right".
Happiness starts with God and with yourself. If it's dependant on others, you will always be unhappy because human beings by their very nature will disappoint you.
The supper issue, specifically, I can totally relate to. There was one time early on in our marriage where a miscommunication over supper cause a stupid, hurtful fight. Dh was working outside, I *thought* he heard me call for supper, but he didn't. I huffed and puffed and went ahead with supper without him, thinking he'd stayed away to spite me. Then I went out and snottily told him since he refused to eat with us his supper was waiting on the table. He in turn was very upset with my attitude and said "Well, I'm not hungry anyway", and then I was upset because here he had refused to eat with us *and* now rejected my good cooking. We were both very foolish and snarky with each other, and both saying stupid things out of our own hurt. But it was a completely avoidable argument. If we hadn't been assuming the worst of each other, it never would have happened.  Now if I holler "Supper" and he doesn't respond, I don't assume he's ignoring me. Knowing him, it's more likely it didn't register in his brain, if he heard anything at all. So I go find him, get eyeball-to-eyball with him, and sweetly inform him it's supper time. "Hey hon, I need to feed the kids and we'd love you to join us. If you're busy with something right now, I'll stick your plate in the microwave for you and you can heat it up when you're ready." It works so much better than assuming the worst.
Deciding to marinate in hurt and anger hurts you. He may very well be wrong. He might even be a complete jerk. But "sticking it to him" wounds both of you, so it's not even an efficient form of revenge.  It's like trying to drown someone else by tying weights to your legs and pulling them down with you.
_____________________________
Moo
"Yup, I'm in agreement with Maggie here on all of this" Manda, April 2010
The Ballad of Bad Biruk
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 2/28/2010 9:10:41 PM
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Ruth181
Posts: 54
Joined: 2/1/2007
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I guess I am just worn out from trying. We have been married almost 24 years and of course we were both learning at the beginning but sometimes I don't feel like we are any closer - in fact, we seem to be growing apart.
I guess I will just concentrate on the kids, the dogs and myself. My mother needs me now too, so I'll go down there more often to see her. If God wants this to work out, He will have to change me, change him, change something!
Thanks for all the helpful replies and I will read them over again.
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 2/28/2010 9:19:35 PM
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bolt.
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That sounds good, Ruth... to focus your attention on yourself and others why you actively seek for God to change you.
And do try calm-clear-honest-brief as a communication style. It gets over a lot of walls.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 3/7/2010 9:05:01 PM
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princess35
Posts: 6
Joined: 3/7/2010
Status: offline
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it's hard to communicate with someone who thinks that they are always right and nver wrong.
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 3/11/2010 10:24:12 AM
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Ruth181
Posts: 54
Joined: 2/1/2007
Status: offline
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Thanks for posting the link, but we have already attended a Family Life Marriage conference and we also attended a Family Life Parenting Conference. Both times, I was fortunate enough to win the tickets through a radio program. It was a long time ago that we went, but I know what they are about and I cannot see it helping as we would just sit there and be thinking separate thoughts. It was very difficult doing the exercises in the booklet the last time we went and I was the one who opened up and he just clammed up, and nothing changed.
I guess the conferences do not help everyone.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Abbreviated
Family Life Today Marriage weekends link
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 3/12/2010 11:08:14 AM
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ChoZenFirst
Posts: 3
Joined: 3/3/2010
Status: offline
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My first question is: are you and your husband saved? That should have been the firt question asked of you.
Knowing that makes directing you to Ephesians 5 more relevant for you.
I'm sorry that you have been getting all of this advice from members and I read most of the replies but I don't remember ONE person telling you to go to the Word to seek direction. If it were me in the situation, I would go to the throne. When you pray about a situation like the one you are dealing with, God won't give you answers about the situation or your husband...He will give you insight and answers about YOU. It's not always pretty, trust me, but it's necessary for you to have some direction.
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RE: Total communication breakdown - 3/12/2010 6:37:38 PM
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Hislittleone
Posts: 736
Joined: 7/13/2007
From: The South
Status: offline
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quote:
ORIGINAL: Ruth181
Thanks for posting the link, but we have already attended a Family Life Marriage conference and we also attended a Family Life Parenting Conference. Both times, I was fortunate enough to win the tickets through a radio program. It was a long time ago that we went, but I know what they are about and I cannot see it helping as we would just sit there and be thinking separate thoughts. It was very difficult doing the exercises in the booklet the last time we went and I was the one who opened up and he just clammed up, and nothing changed.
I guess the conferences do not help everyone.
quote:
ORIGINAL: Abbreviated
Family Life Today Marriage weekends link
No, those conferences don't help everyone. My husband and I went to one and while it was kind of fun it did absolutely no good for our very troubled marriage. I think weekend seminars like that are more suited to couples who have decent marriages to start out with. JMHO.
I'm sorry you're going through this with your husband. After 24 years I imagine you've tried everything you can think of to make the marriage better.
I'll list some resources that my husband and I have found to be extremely helpful for marriages that have serious issues. We tried conventional counseling with licensed, Christian counselors and read many books. We even attended one of those marriage conferences. None of those things really did any good. The only resources we've found to be truly helpful after all these years are these:
Every Man's Marriage by Fred Stoeker
Man of Her Dreams/Woman of His by Joel and Kathy Davisson The Davisson's website
and the very BEST of all....
Discovering the Mind of A Woman by Ken Nair Ken Nair's website
From Ken Nair's website:
quote:
Life Partners Christian Ministries is re-introducing Christ-likeness into Christianity with amazing results: Husbands are actually illustrating Christ to, their wives, families and the world; wives and children are actually wanting to emulate their husbands and fathers' examples of Christ-likeness; and extended family members and associates are admiring the Christ-like character of these discipled men.
Strengthening the body of Christ...one man at a time!
It is our goal to build and strengthen the Body of Christ by helping men understand God's design for their lives to be spiritual leaders, and to truly understand what it means to be Christ-like.
The Davissons and Ken Nair both run marriage ministries and offer over the phone counseling sessions. We've used both and have found problems with the Davisson's counsel but their books are great. Ken Nair's ministry is wonderful. The counselor from Life Partner's Ministries has been absolutely incredible. We highly recommend counseling with them.
Start out with reading the books and checking out the different websites. May God use these resources to heal your marriage just like He has done for me and my husband.
Also, I was just wondering if there have been other issues besides the communication breakdown that haven't been fully resolved. I'm not trying to be nosy and please don't feel like you have to share with us if you're not comfortable doing so. I'm just trying to get a better picture of your marriage as a whole.
_____________________________
Galations 5:22-23 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.
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