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When/How/Should You Tell? - 3/8/2010 11:32:49 AM
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Memaw.
Posts: 1522
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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My oldest daughter became pregnant when she was 16 and gave birth.
At age 18 she married and they had a daughter.
When they had been married for two years, my son in law adopted their first daughter. She is now 6, will be 7 in April.
My granddaughters' bio father has 6 other children in this small town, some are the same age as my granddaughter. There is a very good chance she will grow up knowing some of these children, and possibly becoming friends with them.
I don't concern myself over the bio father ever wanting to "make himself known" to her, I don't think he will ever cause any problem, he was glad for my granddaughter to be adopted, but I am concerned over the mothers of the other children saying something to their children which could and would get back to my granddaughter.
Just yesterday, my daughter and granddaughter went to a fast food restaurant and something was said.
The girl working the register is friends with one of the other mothers, and blurted out how much my granddaughter looks like her friends son.
"Wow, she looks just like Silas!"
My daughter ignored her and she didn't think granddaughter heard her, but eventually she will find out.
When is the right time to say something to her?
How should she be told?
Should she even be told?
_____________________________
~Kim
Everything can change in a blink of an eye. But don't worry: God never blinks.
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RE: When/How/Should You Tell? - 3/8/2010 11:51:45 AM
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bolt.
Posts: 2320
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From: Canada
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She should be told, but it may be too soon. There are many family and self reasons that she should be told (secrets always hurt people eventually). There are also some practical ones...because it would be really awkward if she developed a crush on 'Silas' or any of her other half siblings.
What I woulds do is start now with an intentional education involving
1) What does it mean to be a family. What are the relationships, what's the point. What does God's word have to say. What about people who are adopted -- do they have real families or not? This should be done casually, through devotions, conversations and reading material. The point is to build the structures of her thought so that when she is told, her mind naturally runs to the, "Of course the real father is the one who is fathering." side.
2) Human reproduction (conception, gestation, birth), sexuality, godly values, mistakes and grace. The point of this is for her to understand what sexual intercourse is, why people do it even when it is sin, and what it has to do with babies.
3) Genetics: what genes are, what they determine about creatures and people, what they do not determine, how an egg and sperm are half-donors to a new whole, how they combine and show a variety of traits, recessive genes and the results of inbreeding. This should be something intriguing and almost mathematical. The point of this is for her to grasp what having genes in common with a parent and half-sibling does (and does not!) mean.
With this opportunity to educate her before informing her, you can make it much less stressful when she does learn. Perhaps within a year would be the right time to tell her. Do not leave it too late. Do it while the child is still very attached within the family, not as a part of the struggles of pre-adolescence. I'd say 9 at the latest.
_____________________________
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RE: When/How/Should You Tell? - 3/8/2010 10:20:02 PM
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bolt.
Posts: 2320
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From: Canada
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She's nearly 7. She can understand biology if it is taught. For the genetics, try visual aids.
_____________________________
Are you having trouble getting your daily dose of the life changing Word of God?
Let my friend Brian at Daily Audio Bible help you too.
>>audio link<<
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RE: When/How/Should You Tell? - 3/9/2010 7:35:00 AM
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W.O.F.
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From: an ignoble beginning
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She should be told now. Waiting will just make it worse. She doesn't need to be told EVERYTHING...just that her daddy, who loves her very much, is not her father....and that her father has other children too. REALLY build up how much her DADDY loves her and that that is what is important. Don't say anything about her bio father (sperm donor really) not wanting her ,etc. She'll figure that out as time goes on...but she does need to know that her DADDY is her DADDY...but that another man was her father.
Waiting just makes it more difficult..and like you said..she will hear things and start putting 2 and 2 together..but her math may not be accurate...so it is better if the truth comes from her mom.
Take it from someone whose DADDY was not her bio father.......and it wasn't "discussed" openly until I was about 11...even though I "heard" things prior to that.
_____________________________
Live your life in such a way that when your feet hit the floor in the morning, Satan shudders and says, "Oh no, she's awake."
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RE: When/How/Should You Tell? - 3/9/2010 7:42:40 AM
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CoeurdeLeon
Posts: 4654
Joined: 12/30/2007
From: Inside my head
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She should be told now. Not as a big serious talk but little conversations leading up to the information. As in 'it's important but not a huge deal'. Children who grow up with this kind of information see it as just a normal part of themselves and their families. A big revelation when they're older can cause an identity crisis (who she is isn't who she thought she was) and resentment toward parents for keeping information, that the child sees as belonging to them, from them.
I think telling her who, specifically, are her half siblings could wait just a little until she processes the first part. If some of those siblings are younger or near her age, she should be cautioned about talking about it so as not to give them a sudden revelatory shock if their parents haven't told them yet.
_____________________________
I will admit that the Lion is, in general, weird.
~Kerrlaw~
they say goldfish have no memory
i guess their lives are much like mine
and the little plastic castle
is a surprise every time
Ani DiFranco
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RE: When/How/Should You Tell? - 3/9/2010 9:34:18 AM
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Memaw.
Posts: 1522
Joined: 1/29/2007
From: Sunflower State
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Thank you for all the advice :)
I will show this thread to my daughter for her to read.
_____________________________
~Kim
Everything can change in a blink of an eye. But don't worry: God never blinks.
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RE: When/How/Should You Tell? - 3/10/2010 4:44:38 AM
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serasvictoria
Posts: 534
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yep, I agree. Just let the kid know the truth. It'll be harder if you wait.
_____________________________
Ghosts Were People Too
Christian By Choice, Southern By the Grace of God
www.facebook.com/toriramone
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RE: When/How/Should You Tell? - 3/11/2010 1:36:09 PM
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GraceyGirl
Posts: 459
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there's no time like the present frankly.
When I was 11 years old I had a crush on this boy in school. I couldn't understand why on earth my grandparents were so adamantly against me and this boy being friends!
Turns out - my Daddy was not my bio father, and guess what? Little boy I was crushing on? He was my half brother.
In a small town. . .this could be an issue when it comes to dating. It's important that she know that Daddy is not synonomous with FATHER. Father might have made other kids - indeed kids who she can be friends with, and have other relationships with.
Let her know just how much her Daddy loves her, create that special and unique relationship for them.
My grandmother told me this; Your Daddy wanted a little girl all his, so much. He needed a Princess. And he prayed and prayed, and God looked down and he saw Richard (my bio father) and your Mama, and God blessed us all with you. Your Daddy got to be a Daddy, and your Mama a Mama, and I'm your grandmother, all because Richard loved you enough to let us take care of you. But look, you have his eyes, and your hair is dark like his. . " and so forth. She helped me see that even though I couldn't have a relationship with Richard, there was love there, b/c he let go, let another man be my Daddy, and I still got to have parts of him that made up me.
it will be a story you'll have to tell her over the years. . .she's much too young to understand all the dynamics of how these relationships work out, but you need to start laying a foundation for it now.
_____________________________
I have every confidence in God’s ability to work through you…don’t give anything away just because He is stretching you. ~ Donious Eichhornious
Our Village Life
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